Make Me Watch a Crappy Movie Take II
Hey, friends. A few weeks ago I asked you guys to choose a movie from my vast collection of crappy horror and sci-fi movies to make me review. The result was The Invisible Maniac. I’m still trying to heal. But that doesn’t mean I won’t do it again! I’ve only got a few scant days of summer left before I go back to work, and how better to spend one of them than reviewing a movie of your choosing? Here, once again, are five movies plucked from the wealth of multi-packs I’ve got on my shelf. Whichever gets the most votes by Monday, August 5, will be the second feature for Crappy Movie Roulette!
984: Prisoner of the Future (1982)
Directed by Tibor Takac
Written by Peter Chapman & Stephen Zoller
Starring Stephen Markle, Andy Adoch & Madeleine Atkinson
Synopsis: A corporate executive is taken prisoner by an underground organization known as The Movement, and is turned over to a ruthless interrogator.
Why you should vote for it: Because don’t we all really want to see a corporate executive tortured by a ruthless investigator?
Current IMDB Rating: 5.2/10
984: Prisoner of the Future at IMDB
Directed by Douglas Cheek
Written by Shepard Abbott & Parnell Hall
Starring John Heard, Daniel Stern, Christopher Curry & Kim Greist
Synopsis: A rash of bizarre murders in New York City seems to point to a group of grotesquely deformed vagrants living in the sewers. A courageous policeman, a photo journalist and his girlfriend, and a nutty bum, who seems to know a lot about the creatures, band together to try and determine what the creatures are and how to stop them.
Why you should vote for it: So that with my expert analysis, you’ll finally get that joke on The Simpsons when Homer is afraid of going to New York because of the CHUDs.
Current IMDB Rating: 5.3/10
C.H.U.D. at IMDB
Directed by Kermit Christman & Del Tenney
Written by William Katt & Kermit Christmas
Starring Jeremy London, Katherine Heigl, Nick Stabile, William Katt, Whitney Dylan & Matt Farnsworth
Synopsis: A young novelist, tormented by his family’s history and haunted by the specter of his long-dead, more famous ancestor, falls in love with a woman, a distant relative of his ancestor, whose friends and family begin to disappear mysteriously.
Why you should vote for it: Because you want to know if they’re going to even touch upon the incest-y vibe of the novelist falling in love with “a distant relative of his ancestor.”
Bonus reason to vote for it: The inclusion of William Katt virtually guarantees at least one Greatest American Hero reference in the write-up.
Current IMDB Rating: 4.4/10
Descendant at IMDB
Puppet Master (1989)
Directed by David Schmoeller
Written by Charles Band & Kenneth J. Hall
Starring Paul Le Mat, William Hickey, Irene Miracle, Mews Small
Synopsis: André Toulon is a puppet maker and the best of the kind. One day he happens upon an old Egyptian formula able to create life, so he decides to give life to his puppets. The Nazis seek to use this knowledge to their advantage and in desperation, Toulon commits suicide. Some years later four psychics get on the trail of a former colleague who suddenly commits suicide, and they decide to investigate the mansion he killed himself in. Along with his widow, they uncover the secrets of the Puppet Master.
Why you should vote for it: Because they’ve apparently made at least nine movies in this franchise. NINE. Don’t you want to know if there’s any conceivable justification for that?
Current IMDB Rating: 5.3/10
Puppet Master at IMDB
The Vampire Happening (1971)
Directed by Freddie Francis
Written by Karl-Heinz Hummel & August Rieger
Starring Pia Degermark &Thomas Hunter
Synopsis: An American actress inherits a castle in Transylvania. What she doesn’t know is that her ancestor, the Baroness Catali, was in actuality a vampire countess, and emerges from her tomb to ravage the nearby village and Catholic seminary.
Why you should vote for it: Because it’s gotta be better than the other “Happening” movie you’ve heard of.
Current IMDB Rating: 4.6/10
The Vampire Happening at IMDB
Cast yer votes!